‘Teddy Bears’ Picnic’ by Kim Newman and Eugene Byrne

Film critic Kim Newman is a prolific author of fiction. His trademark is mashing up characters from the works of others, as well as historical figures, in alternate histories. His novel Anno Dracula, for example, asks what might have happened if Dracula had not been defeated and became king of an imperial Britain ruled by vampires. You might call it clever-clever fan fiction but I often find it dazzling. How many pop culture connections can one brain hold?

‘Teddy Bears Picnic’ is a particularly thrilling example. It has Bob and Terry from The Likely Lads fighting with the British Army in Vietnam, alongside Frank Spencer and Blakey from On the Buses. And in the sky overhead, between cricket games, psychotic special forces officers Jennings and Molesworth blast ‘The Teddy Bears Picnic’ from their helicopters, to terrify the enemy. William ‘Just William’ Brown, meanwhile, has gone mad in the jungle.

Years later, Bob writes a book which Michael Powell wants to adapt into an epic movie to be called It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum…

You get the idea, there’s a lot going on.

First published in Interzone, August and September 1997, and then collected in Back in the USSA, 1997

‘Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?’ by Joyce Carol Oates

This isn’t a horror story but is certainly horrific. Arnold Friend is a monstrous fake teenager fashioned from hair lacquer and denim. When he decides to take Connie, a teenage girl, he stalks, seduces and seizes her while her well-to-do parents are out at a barbecue. It distils a huge amount into a few thousand words, making small town America a menacing, sickly place.

I came to it via The Vintage Book of Contemporary American Short Stories (ed. Tobias Wolff, 1994) but knew the story obliquely from Don Moser’s 1966 newspaper article ‘The Pied Piper of Tucson’, about the real-life murderer Charles Schmid, which inspired Oates. Schmid uses to put crushed drinks cans in his shoes as makeshift lifts and similarly Oates has her Arnold Friend standing and walking strangely, as if he’s a simulacrum of a human.

This year also happened to see the resurfacing of Joyce Chopra’s 1985 excellent film Smooth Talk, the final act of which is a remarkably faithful adaptation of Oates’s story, with Treat Williams as Arnold Friend and Laura Dern as Connie.

‘Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?’ is also a story that makes you look askance at Arthur ‘The Fonz’ Fonzarelli – gritty Happy Days reboot for Netflix, anyone?

First published in Epoch, Autumn 1966, and frequently anthologised since

‘The Pennine Tower Restaurant’ by Simon K. Unsworth

Another idea I had for this list was to identify 12 stories to form an anthology of ‘municipal gothic’ – that is, weird fiction set in everyday post-war British environments such as council estates and shopping arcades.

Unsworth’s story is just such a modernist horror built around a quirky 1960s building at Forton services on the M6 near Lancaster. A ghost story of an antiquary this is not.

Unsworth, perhaps inspired by Fargo, opens the story with: “This is not fiction.” He insists that everything that follows is perfectly true, and makes the narrator a version of himself for added verisimilitude. The premise is that a 1960s motorway services restaurant can be haunted, or possessed, like a British Amityville.

He piles up the evidence and the urban legends one after another – missing people, murders, strange noises, unexplained phenomena. And provides footnotes, too, in case you should want to continue the research yourself.

It’s especially interesting to read as Danny Robins’s podcast and TV show Uncannytakes people’s personal ghost stories into the mainstream. If this was really a true story, he’d be all over it.

First published in Lost Places, Ash Tree Press, 2010

‘A Snowy Night on West Forty-Ninth Street’ by Maeve Brennan

Not a story so much as a snapshot of a moment in time, like the street photography of Saul Leiter given voice. It is snowing and New York City is subdued, as Brennan captures in long, ornate sentences:

“At night, when the big Broadway lights go on, when the lights begin to run around high in the sky and up and down the sides of buildings, when rivers of lights start flowing along the edges of roofs, and wreaths and diadems begin sparkling from dark corners, and the windows of empty downtown offices begin streaming with watery reflections of brilliance, at that time, when Broadway lights up to make a nighttime empire out of the tumbledown, makeshift daytime world, a powdery pink glow rises up and spreads over the whole area, a cloudy pink, an emanation, like a tent made of air and color.”

Lonely, the narrator goes to a French café and sits alone observing the regulars and staff playing their roles. Michel the charmer, Betty the secretary, Mrs Dolan the faded beauty, ‘Mees Katie’ the exhausted manager… This is nothing, this is not the New York people will want to remember or preserve, she says, but of course she records it anyway. I’m glad she did.

First published in The New Yorker, January 1967 and available to subscribers to read here. Collected in New York Stories, ed. Diana Secker Tesdell, Everyman, 2011

‘Night Fears’ by L.P. Hartley

I could have picked several stories from this collection, many of which foreshadow a mood we now think of as ‘Aickmanesque’. Something strange happens, it’s not always clear what, and the protagonists are left changed, and darkened, by their experiences.

This little vignette is an early bit of ‘municipal gothic’, perhaps, with a working class character at its centre, which was unusual for the time. He’s a nightwatchman on a building site, with a wife and child at home. On a cold night, when he feels especially lonely, he engages a loitering stranger in conversation and invites him to sit with him by the dwindling brazier.

The stranger asks him a series of snide, undermining questions. Is he certain his wife is faithful? Is the job worth it for the poor money they pay? Couldn’t he do any better? We begin to suspect that the stranger is Death himself, but don’t hope for a tale of redemption after A Christmas Carol:

“The stranger seemed to have said his say, his head drooped a little more; he might even be dropping off to sleep. Apparently he did not feel the cold. But the night-watchman was breathing hard and could scarcely stand…”

Rather than death, I wonder if the stranger might not be that self-doubting voice we all hear in the fretful small hours.

First published in Night Fears, 1924. Collected in The Travelling Grave and Other Stories, 1948

‘It’s a Good Life’ by Jerome Bixby

A small masterpiece and justly famous, mostly as a result of being adapted for an episode of The Twilight Zone in 1961. It does something I really love in a short story: drops us in at the deep end and makes us race to catch up. We know we’re in a small town in America and that everything is just fine, just wonderful… by why is the word ‘sun’ in quotes in the second line?

Little Anthony is a toddler and a powerful, petulant monster who can make things happen with his mind. Even when he means to help, it rarely goes well. We slowly realise that he is the apocalypse that has befallen this town, with its dwindling supplies and rusting cars.

So, his family and neighbours, stranded somewhere in space, have learned never to express a wish, or even to think about anything being different or better. Because Anthony will respond and the chances are someone will die, or the world will end up a little more broken.

It’s also clearly a product of nuclear paranoia – what might life be like in the rural Midwest after the cities have been destroyed? Would survival be desirable, or hell on earth? It also probably, I think, suggested the plot of the Japanese science fiction manga series and anime feature Akira.

First published in Star Science Fiction Stories No.2, 1953. Collected in various anthologies including The Science Fiction Hall of Fame, Volume One, 1929-1964, ed. Robert Silverberg, 2005

‘Love of Life’ by Jack London

Reading 365 short stories was a great opportunity to dip into authors I’d previously missed or avoided. This particular story is famous as one of those London was accused of plagiarising from a factual article that appeared in the same magazine four years earlier. London said: “I plead guilty… I took the facts of life contained in it, added to them the many other facts of life gained from other sources, and made, or attempted to make, a piece of literature out of them.”

Whatever its genesis, it is a gruelling, thrilling story of survival in the cold, wolf-infested northern wilderness. Our hero, a prospector, is abandoned by his mate when his crocked ankle begins to slow them down. Left with an empty rifle and an empty stomach, what keeps him moving, to his own amazement, is his desperate desire to live.

Obstacle after obstacle, pain after pain, I found myself rooting for him, and completely immersed in a beautiful but hostile landscape. By the final act, it has become a story of suspense. Rescue is at hand, but does he have the strength to crawl that final mile?

“The patience of the wolf was terrible. The man’s patience was no less terrible. For half a day he lay motionless, fighting off unconsciousness and waiting for the thing that was to feed upon him and upon which he wished to feed. Sometimes the languid sea rose over him and he dreamed long dreams; but ever through it all, waking and dreaming, he waited for the wheezing breath and the harsh caress of the tongue.”

First published in McClure’s Magazine, December 1905. Collected in Love of Life and Other Stories, 1906, available online via Project Gutenberg

‘Evening Primrose by John Collier

Collier was a British writer in Hollywood whose stories are often saucy and somewhat smart-arsed. This particular tale, however, is considered a classic of weird fiction, and deservedly so.

A poet, struggling for money, decides to move into a New York department store. After all, it’s got everything a man needs to live a comfortable life. Only it turns out he’s not the first person to have had this idea and, after dark, sinister squatters emerge from their hiding places:

“I looked, and it was empty. I looked, and there was an old lady, clambering out from behind the monstrous clock. There were three girls, elderly ingenues, incredibly emaciated, simpering at the entrance of the perfumery. Their hair was a fine floss, pale as gossamer. Equally brittle and colorless was a man with the appearance of a colonel of southern extraction, who stood regarding me while he caressed moustachios that would have done credit to a crystal shrimp. A chintzy woman, possibly of literary tastes, swam forward from the curtains and drapes.”

It’s not just this store, either. Every shop in New York has its night creatures, including delicatessens and even funeral homes.

Collier walks the line between overblown gothic melodrama (Poe, Ray Russell) and wit. My one-word review on first reading the story was “Ghastly.” It’s one of those pieces of writing that feels wrong, and touched with genuine madness.

First published in 1940. Collected in Fancies and Goodnights, 1951

‘A Flower in her Hair’ by Pauline C. Smith

Before a long train journey I grabbed a copy of Alfred Hitchcock’s Book of Horror Stories, a cheap paperback anthology from the early 1980s. My intention was to read some stories that aren’t part of the canon and perhaps make a discovery or two. Frankly, most of the contents were pretty terrible, but this piece of forgotten folk horror made it worth the slog.

It’s similar in tone to Thomas Tryon’s cult 1973 novel Harvest Home and is about a young woman, known only as ‘the girl’, who goes to visit distant relatives in the country. The matriarch of the clan, Aunt Abbie, collects human hair in different colours, which she is slowly weaving into a beautiful wreath of flowers. She covets ‘the girl’s’ red hair – a rare colour:

“‘See?’ Aunt Abbie’s long finger pointed. ‘I ain’t got that rose in yet.’ Reflectively, she gazed at the girl in the chair. ‘I just got the rose left.’”

But as a point of principle, she only uses hair from dead people. So how else can this go? Art is art, after all.

First published in Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine, July 1968. Collected in various Alfred Hitchock story collections over the years

‘The Swords’ by Robert Aickman

It’s as if Aickman thought, “Where’s the least spooky place on earth?” and took Wolverhampton as a challenge.

I could have included any number of Aickman stories here, having first read Cold Hand in Mine as a student 25 years ago and feeling as if I’d been initiated into a cult. He’s having a well-deserved moment now, on a similar trajectory to H.P. Lovecraft. Aickman’s great power is in recording how nightmares feel, in drab contemporary settings, and refusing ever to explain what is going on.

Here, we get a lonely young commercial traveller eager to lose his virginity. Wandering the streets of Wolvo, avoiding the miserable boarding house the firm has dumped him in, he finds a fairground on a bombsite. There’s a grotty tent with a seedy show in which men first stab then kiss a pretty girl, who is also available for private shows to respectable men like him. Over tea and pies in a cafe, he gives into temptation, and agrees to bring her back to the boarding house after dark. But his first time with a woman doesn’t go quite as planned.

First published in The Fifth Fontana Book of Great Ghost Stories, ed. Robert Aickman, 1969. Collected in Cold Hand in Mine, 1975

‘Three Miles Up’ by Elizabeth Jane Howard

This story first appeared in a shared collection with three early stories by Robert Aickman and is similar in style and mood to his work. Like Aickman, Howard insists on her nightmare horrors taking place in recognisably modern settings, without distancing Victoriana and cosy gaslight.

‘Three Miles Up’, like Aickman’s ‘The Trains’ from the same collection, starts with a relatable real-world horror: you’ve agreed to go on holiday with a friend only to realise that perhaps you don’t get along quite as well as you’d imagined. Here, it’s two chaps exploring Britain’s neglected canals on a narrowboat, snapping at each other and bickering. Then they come upon a young woman sleeping on the bank and convince her to join them, hoping her presence might change the dynamic.

She’s a prototypical manic pixie dream girl, I suppose, except in British mythology pixies are famous for tricking travellers and leading them to their doom:

“To the left was the straight cut which involved the longer journey originally planned; and curving away to the right was the short arm which John advocated. The canal was fringed with rushes, and there was one small cottage with no light in it. Clifford went into the cabin to tell Sharon where they were, and then, as they drifted slowly in the middle of the junction, John suddenly shouted: ‘Clifford! What’s the third turning?’”

The inconclusive ending of the story only adds to its power. Where has this third channel taken them? Have they slipped through time, or into another plane of existence? I wonder if it’s some other aspect of The Beyond from Lucio Fulci’s 1981 film of that name.

First published in We Are for the Dark: Six Ghost Stories, 1951. Collected in Mr. Wrong, 1975

‘Like Mother Used to Make’ by Shirley Jackson

Many of Shirley Jackson’s stories would fit just as well in horror anthologies as literary collections. Even in a novel called The Haunting of Hill House it’s hard to say for sure that anything supernatural has really happened.

James Harris, a recurring character in several short stories, might be the devil – or perhaps we just need to accept that ordinary men can also be controlling – and gleefully, pettily wicked.

In this story, David, a pernickety young man, has his neighbour Marcia over for dinner in his neat little apartment. He doesn’t earn much but what he does have goes on silver cutlery and other small things that make bedsit life tolerable. Then Marcia’s colleague, Mr Harris, shows up. Without explanation, Marcia begins to act as if David’s flat is hers, and as if she has cooked the gourmet dinner on the table. David, trapped in a game of manners, plays along:

Eventually, he leaves his own flat, defeated:

“He went down the hall and let himself into Marcia’s apartment, the piano was still awry, the papers were still on the floor, the laundry scattered, the bed unmade. David sat down on the bed and looked around. It was cold, it was dirty, and as he thought miserably of his own warm home he heard faintly down the hall the sound of laughter and the scrape of a chair being moved. Then, still faintly, the sound of his radio. Wearily, David leaned over and picked up a paper from the floor, and then he began to gather them up one by one.”

First published in The Lottery and Other Stories, 1949

Introduction

The bit of Borges that has always stuck most firmly in my head (and let’s be honest, everyone has a bit of Borges stuck in their head; even if — perhaps especially if — they’ve never actually read him) is the Heavenly Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge. In his 1942 essay ‘John Wilkins’ Analytical Language’ — which is indeed an essay, not a short story — Borges describes the real-life 17th century philosopher’s actual and historically documented attempt to create a universal language based on the categories, subdivisions, and yet further subdivisions of all known things. This ambitious yet essentially arbitrary systemisation of knowledge Borges judiciously compares to the list of animals in “a certain Chinese encyclopaedia”:

“In its distant pages it is written that animals are divided into (a) those that belong to the emperor; (b) embalmed ones; (c) those that are trained; (d) suckling pigs; (e) mermaids; (f) fabulous ones; (g) stray dogs; (h) those that are included in this classification; (i) those that tremble as if they were mad; (j) innumerable ones; (k) those drawn with a very fine camel’s-hair brush; (l) etcetera; (m) those that have just broken the flower vase; (n) those that at a distance resemble flies.”

Borges then states, in the very next paragraph, that this encyclopaedia (not, of course, directly seen by Borges himself, but attributed to the further attribution of the very eminent sounding, and most recognisably initialled, Dr Franz Kuhn) is apocryphal; and indeed no other reference to it has ever been found. Because Borges, obviously, and deliberately obviously, made it up for the purposes of his essay (I mean, come on: “those that have just broken the flower vase”?). Which is why ‘John Wilkes’ Analytical Language’ is probably actually my favourite Borges short story, but since this is the Introduction it doesn’t count.

Anyway. I think that this, or something very like this, works equally well as a set of criteria for what constitutes an includable-in-my-personally-curated-short-story-anthology ‘short story’. Curator is an interesting job description, after all. Curate, curious, cure, curare. A choosy person who chooses; chooses which artefacts to preserve, to fix in amber, to paralyse. And every choice, however discriminate, is also partially indiscriminate, because informed or framed or fed (or poisoned) by personal experience. Every act of curation has something particular to say; it is its own story, and it’s usually mostly about the curator.

And there are hundreds, obviously; thousands, tens of thousands if you cast the net of ‘what is a short story?’ wide enough. Curating that down to twelve is like paring an iceberg down to a handful of cubes for your gin, then looking over your shoulder to find you’ve made a whole other, very different-looking iceberg with all the shavings.

And so:

‘The Bet’ by Anton Chekhov, translated by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky

(a) Short story as premature existential challenge:

For years, I was convinced this story was by Guy de Maupassant. As it is, it’s the only Chekhov I’ve ever read, and it turns out I haven’t read any Maupassant at all.

A rich and arrogant banker bets an idealistic young lawyer a small fortune that he, the lawyer, can’t spend fifteen years in solitary confinement. This is at a party, you understand: there was rich food, plentiful alcohol, hijinks of manifold sorts, and a dangerously sloshed intellectual argument about whether capital punishment or life imprisonment was the more (or less) humane judicial sentence. We’ve all been to a party like that, right? The lawyer says that to “live somehow is better than not to live at all” and the banker says, basically, prove it mate, and here’s two million roubles on the table. “‘I accept!’ says the lawyer. ‘You stake your millions, and I stake my freedom!’” Which is a little rash of him, considering.

It doesn’t go well. The banker spends fifteen years losing enough of his fortune that paying out the two million will ruin him. The lawyer spends his time cut off from contemporary human contact, but has access to books, musical instruments, writing materials, and alcohol and tobacco. He drifts in and out of madness, learns half a dozen languages, alternately sates himself and goes on hunger strike; spends a year playing the piano constantly, another talking to himself, another in silence.

He reads everything.

The night before the final day, the banker is desperate. He only has one option. But, it turns out, so does the lawyer, who has made a final, modest testament:

“‘I know that I am more intelligent than all of you. [Okay, not that modest.] And I scorn your books, I scorn all the world’s blessings and its wisdom. It is all paltry, fleeting, illusory, and as deceptive as a mirage. You may be proud, wise, and beautiful, but death will wipe you from the face of the earth the same as cellar mice, and your descendants, history, the immortality of your geniuses will freeze or burn along with the terrestrial globe.’”

To a book-loving fifteen year old who’d just lost his father to a random heart attack, this came as a cosmically chilling revelation. I mean, it’s like positing Chekhov as precursor to Lovecraft. Be smart and read all the books, sure; just don’t read all the books or this existentially abyssal plain will open up and lose you in its heart forever. I felt so small reading that, and yet somehow so absolutely powerful.

It wasn’t till reading it again recently that I fully appreciated the subtle ironies that perfuse, or perhaps irradiate, ‘The Bet’s ending. Bankers are, after all, bankers. And yes, you short story purists who blanched at the first paragraph of this section, I am now reading more Chekhov.

First published in Russian as ‘Пари’ in Novoye Vremya, January, 1889. Collected in Fifty-Two Stories, Penguin Classics, 2020. Available to read on Project Gutenberg in an earlier translation